Most people reading this may have now come to be part of a series of relationships. Some successful and some not so successful. And when I say relationships, I am not just talking about romantic relationships. Though the age I am at, romantic or friendly relationships seem to dominate ones mind. So let me start by giving my two cents on romantic relationships.
I recently have fallen in love and probably for the last time and to last. We both have come with our fair share of experiences, she more so. I chose to be more of an outsider for the longest time observing relationships than actually being in one. There were various reasons for that. For one I thought it was not the time for me to have relationships. I was trying to make an identity for myself and within that I perceived a relationship would take the focus away. In hind sight it might have been a naive thought but I was not convinced by what I saw around me nor did I meet anyone to be able to convince me otherwise. Secondly I had to deal with some of my own issues and I did not think it to be wise to involve someone else into that. I believe one needs to resolve their own issues. I for the longest time believed that I was not fit to be in a relationship. It took a while for me to be comfortable in my skin and put myself out there.
My belief was shattered when i questioned myself deeper on if I would be happy alone. Romantic relationships, more than love are about companionship, is what I understood. And once I asked myself if I would be okay to be alone, once everybody has moved on in their lives and my career has stagnated or I have achieved what I had set out to, I realized the answer was no. I need a companion to share my moments. The aging elders of our family wont be there forever. The relationships that we have are not for life. Hence I felt, one needs a relationship where one takes the other to be of highest priority and vice-verse.
Having come to this realization, and then setting out to find the right relationship for me, I had some ideas in my head. Over time I had come to understand that I need a thinking strong minded partner. A woman who makes a mark for herself, who dared to do things differently and continues to do so is what I looked out for. For a strong opinionated person like myself an equally opinionated and strong person was in order.
With this in mind, when the search started, I realized there may be more than meets the eye. These qualities may be only exterior. Eventually I realized that may be going with these ideas to begin with may not be the right way to approach it and I probably need to keep a more open mind. An idea validated by my better half based on how she went about her relationships.
When I say acceptance I do not mean a blind acceptance of the opposite person. Just as we are aware we have faults, the other person may have their own and it is important to point them out and for that person to have a ear for it.
Also, during my search I realized a fundamental difference between men and women. It may be more in this country but men do have much more liberties and freedom to be themselves. Women on the other hand have more expectations laid out on them with regards to nurturing, home managing among other things. With this in mind, we realize that one of the consideration which women may seek is some one who lets them be. With so many expectations on them, it might be a given that women look out for someone who likes them for who they are and lets them do what they want.
I personally have been against the typical roles men and women have been type cast into. The man being the protector and woman being the nurturer. Apart from the obvious physical differences where men are able to perform some tasks more easily compared to women, I tend to believe the roles of men and women today are fluid. Hence a partnership is more about equals and shared responsibilities.
But the reality of society sometimes makes it difficult to go about it. More than the expectation of the exterior society at a particular time, it is the way both the sexes are brought up that makes them follow on the typical path. So it is a consistent reminder to one self to act beyond the stereotype. For example women being the high earners and defying the traditional norm while men being the caring and compassionate ones among many other things.
Respect is key! No matter what one might say like love is all you need or the practical aspects supersede all other etc., I believe the real aspect of any and not just a romantic relationship is RESPECT! If you cannot respect the person, it might affect the relationship. Without respect, you may not value the other person enough and it can tend to spill into your relationship. Hence I have always maintained, it is important to know the person first than to commit to something. Commitment I believe is beyond love.
In my time, I also came across an interesting concept. Loving someone and falling in love with someone may be two very distinct things. You can love someone without getting to know them or purely on their exterior qualities. You ,may fall in love only when you spend time with that person and realize there is a value that person can add to you.
Now when I said the value that person can add to you, many people might perceive that value to be different things. Some may find material value and some find non tangible value. I would like to believe this to be a point of view. Nothing wrong with with either of the value add you might expect. But yet, this expectation might need to be communicated explicitly.
Now this brings me to the most important part of any relationship. Communication and lots of it. Communication may be a key to any and every relationship. Without communication, the unsaid silence can cause misinterpretation and misunderstanding. I believe that a certain level of articulation is helpful in strengthening a relationship.
Now the consistent argument I used to have against marriage was that it brings in complacency. And this complacency tends to make the people take each other for granted. Hence I believe in spite of having given a commitment, it is important that there is a sense of awareness that the relationship can break when given a chance. This does not mean you break the commitment at the drop of a hat or live in constant fear. But being aware makes one more wiser and saner is what I believe.
Love someone to death but do not make that person the reason for your death. The later might entail a complete dependence on the person or an immaturity that can be nauseating. If life has taught us something, it is to be be self dependent and mature as you age. Death for love or killing yourself for love is just going against it.
I have been told plenty of times, what if the girl you love is with the wrong guy. My simple response to that is, who am I to judge that? In our judgmental society, people would like to believe their way or belief is the best. I would like to believe everybody knows what they are doing and certain things are none of other peoples business. A romantic relationship is the same. What we might see or hear is only half of it. There is always another side to it. What this entails is a concept of ownership. No one person can own the other to dictate terms. Each is at the end of the day an individual with their own choice.
To summarize, a lot of thought may need to be put before and during a relationship. I have understood to not get into a relationship where you are expected to be someone else. But also do not fear changes that might come up as you go. Understand what your core is and try to maintain that as much as possible. Embrace the positive changes. Just as people and relationships can change, so can you.
I understand that the above was a very long write up. But any and everybody who has seen or been in relationships will probably understand that it is complex. But as the title suggests, it is as intriguing as well.
